Sometimes taking a nonjudgmental approach to interactions and relationships with others can make someone feel like they aren’t able to be true to themselves as individuals. The world we live in teaches us to be judgmental by default. We are also taught that if we don’t respond to someone’s (judgmental) comment, we are letting them walk all over us, in a way. We feel like we need to have the last word and also prove why the other person is wrong with their comment/belief.
In reality, the energy and effort that it takes us to try to prove the other person wrong just impacts our ability to be present in the moment and at peace. And more often than not... we’re NOT going to get anywhere and will negatively impact our own mental health.
This post is going to focus on clearing up 3 different myths that people often believe when it comes to being nonjudgmental in life.
Myth #1: Taking a nonjudgmental stance means you approve.
Fact: Being nonjudgmental does not mean that you are in agreement with or approve of what the other person is saying. In actuality, being nonjudgmental allows us to take a more effective approach to the situation at hand [i.e. communicating in a way that is more likely to elicit change; or utilizing acceptance to help us recognize that the situation ‘is what it is,’ so we can move on to our next steps]. Our nonjudgmental approach to interactions/relationships with others is meant to help US be more mindful... NOT to help others be on the same page as us. But also, being nonjudgmental when someone disagrees with us, does not change our own beliefs, values, morals, etc.
Myth #2: Being nonjudgmental means keeping quiet about preferences or desires.
Fact: When taking a nonjudgmental stance, individuals are still able to stand with their preferences and desires. It is NOT judgmental to ask for change; however, it IS judgmental to put one’s preferences/desires onto reality or expectations of others. This often presents itself in the form of ‘should.’ Stating that something or someone ‘should’ be different or change, because of what we want or believe, is judgmental. It is much more effective if we approach situations like: “I would like you to hear out my side,” or “I wish you would see it my way after listening to the facts from my point of view.” We can express our preferences and desires but we cannot expect others to have the same preferences and desires as us just because we want them to.
Myth #3: Emotional responses and values are judgmental.
Fact: Everyone is encouraged to have their own values and express their emotions. These are things that not only make us human, but also make us the unique individuals that we are. These things, by themselves, are not judgmental; however, they can become judgmental if there is a level of worth added to them. For example, someone stating that family is the most important value in life is stating a fact... for them as an individual. If someone else says that person is wrong or bad for believing that family is the most important value in life... this is a judgment.
Everyone has a right to their own beliefs, values, morals, etc., even if you don’t agree with them. Taking a nonjudgmental approach to interactions/relationships with others does not mean that you are approving of their beliefs, that you need to keep quiet about your preferences/desires, or that your own (or others’) values and emotional responses by themselves are judgmental. It is important to focus on facts and taking more effective approaches than judging to elicit change.
Practicing nonjudgmentalness is very difficult. It takes a lot of practice, and even then, it’s easy to catch yourself falling back into being judgmental at times. Just keep practicing.
If this is something you would like to learn more about or have further questions, I encourage you to reach out to myself or other Dialectical Behavioral Therapy trained providers.